There are not millions of triggers of grief. There are three.
Yes, we all know the “special days” one…traditions, “first time we…”, holidays. You can set those up powerfully with some intentional planning so as to be involved in activities that are life affirming for you. Connecting with those you care about or even some treat for yourself that you might be putting off or seeing some special entertainment that you can escape into. This year I christened the slow cooker for the first time since my late husband died and I bought some kitchen tools and organized my spices. Just setting up a nurturing environment made a huge difference for me as I realized I had not been at all involved with ‘hearth related’ activities. So, grief trigger number one can be softened.
The second trigger of grief is the input of nuanced sensory memories. A song on the radio, passing a restaurant and a certain cooking smell or even looking at fireworks when the last time you shared that together. All of these are sensory memories. And usually unlike the special days trigger…usually you cannot control these. I recall the week after my husband died, I went into a deli and a song which would make him cry was playing on the radio. My thought was…he is here. And I ran out of the deli in tears realizing that sometimes triggers are going to sneak up spontaneously. And then after my short cry I was fine. Soon, I realized the nuanced sensory trigger, is transient and just goes away after you react. It is okay to cry. It is also okay to tell someone you are with what you are experiencing. They don’t have to fix it. Just to understand what you are dealing with for that moment.
The third type of trigger is a bit different…it is meeting someone you have not encountered who also had a relationship with your loved one. In one minute of being with them you actually experience the love they have for your loved one and their sadness and grief. And this type of trigger also can take you over. It is powerful. It is empathy and it is almost like your loved one is in the presence of the two of you for that moment and you feel your friend’s sadness deeply right then. If you run into someone spontaneously this trigger is not under your control obviously. And like the sensory trigger, it is fleeting once you experience the sadness. I found this was not connected to time…that is to say…years after my husband died running into his old friend this occurred.
In general, about triggers…be kind to yourself and know that you will be okay. Reacting is great. Sharing is great. And let the sadness flow out through you. As my mom used to say, this too shall pass.