Are there any actions you take to avoid feeling very blue and triggered on the anniversary of your loved one’s death?

I get asked this question frequently. Special days be they birthdays, Mother’s Day, big holidays, wedding or other anniversaries…including the date of death, are one of the three types of triggers. And the good news is that there are things you can do to mitigate the sadness.

You may find yourself dreading the date as your calendar pages turn. You may be recalling the prior times you were together on this date and if it was your last day together…you could be recalling the finality of their life, how you felt, how they were, who else was there, where you were, what communications were exchanged, the smells, the weather of the day…all of it.

You may be comparing then to now…this and that are missing if it was a special fun day…and it is not okay!

This year around the time of my late husband’s birthday, it came to me for the first time since he died six years ago this week, that he was my champion.

HUSBAND WEIGHT CHAMPION                               January 16, 2022

Descriptive phrases came to me

He was my rock was first

Now upon the sixth anniversary

Still trying not to feel cursed

I finally realize who Tom was for me

He was in a phrase, ‘my champion’

This is what has been missing

I’ve felt it all along

It was not only his kissing

All things I have had to do in my life

He was always there to cheer me on

‘You can do it!’, he would say

Then he’d rattle it all off- so well-versed

I’d be overwhelmed of course and scoff

Then jump right in head- first

He fought for the cause called Paulette

And he’d won first place in every competition

As my husband weight champion

This would be his singular mission

Yes, Tom held first place in every contest

With dazzling skills in every field

My life had been marvelous as you might have guessed

Me fulfilling my every quest

Because of my husband weight bold champion

Always in my corner

I will recall everything he was for me

Fortified as a mourner.

The end.

The writing of this was very helpful. I cried realizing who he was exactly for me. It was different for me to note this from his being wonderful, amazing, brilliant and all the other adjectives I would use. He was in a word my ‘champion’.

There are other things you can do as well. The anniversary of my late husband’s death is this weekend. I may go to services. I intend to be with at least one friend on that evening. The pairing of something pleasant on this anniversary day will help to soften the day for me every subsequent year.

For a Special Day type-trigger you CAN prepare and have plans set up in advance to pair the sadness of the anniversary with something else, something kind, something pleasant.

It takes some planning and pulling for yourself to not indulge in your sadness. Yes, you can honor your loved one’s memory all you want...and I recommend to not play back the day in full detail because it is only going to cause you sadness and it is neither productive nor life affirming.